Bullsmoor All Sorts FC

Old Gits Only

Bullsmoor All Sorts Sports Club
BAS Tour 2009

As I take my duties very seriously, Daniel & I  were at the local Witherspoons at 0920 for our pre-tour Stella breakfast. Very nice too, until my daughter rang from Harlow needing an urgent lift back to Turnford. Only one Stella then and I flew off to Harlow getting back just in time for the Mini-bus at my place. We picked up Zed, Steve and James and off we go.

Minibus Stella provided by Fat Gav in his cold bag. Bonus points for my new Bitch. The big quiz got underway and was going OK, I had to confiscate Udays phone for cheating, but not before supplying the answer ‘Lions of Turang’ ! Never heard of them, that’s ‘cos the answer is ‘Lions of TurangA’. Udays screen didn’t get the whole name in. Aaghh, cheats never prosper.  Minus 5 points awarded but made no difference as he and partner Zed weren’t exactly gonna bother Mastermind. When the results came in it was a resounding win for VJ & James. I gather that VJs part was holding the pen !!

We got to Birchington in good time, then spent a good ½ hour with Flipper asking passers-by where the nearest ASDA was. I don’t think they even knew what an ASDA is !! We gave up and went straight to the camp at 1400, two hours early. Some old woman tried to get us to do our shopping in her wee shop. We had a look and saw 6 cans of beans, 4 lots of Bacon and two eggs !! A hasty exit, with new directions from the other lady and we moved into our caravans. Very nice too, apart from the previous tenants leaving a deposit on our bogbrush. Eerrgghh !!!  Everyone but me went off to Tescos, as I stayed behind to investigate the camp, and start on the Stella. All sorted, Marc turned up a bit later, and its off to the bar at 1900. Not good at all, Flat Stella and Bingo (Be Quiet !!!) until 2130 and it shut at 2300 sharp. During this period, Steve (Yawn….) won Man of Season award, Gobshite for his goal of the Season against Whitewebbs and despite pathetic opposition from Sid & Uday, Belch held on to Tour Managership. We hosted these bits at 2100 – 2130 to avoid the sodding Bingo, but were still asked to be quiet. Wankers !!!  Wheres Daniel gone again, obviously on the phone to his Old woman for the umpteenth time. We never went back there again. Rest of the night was spent in our Caravan watching Summat on the Telly, but it seemed to include a Hitler chappy and a bunch of Little fukcers. I was a bit pissed so I’m not sure of the details.

So off at 10ish Sat morning to Birchington for Hugin Vikings. A few people looking a bit worse for wear, not least my good self, and then I noticed that the roads didn’t look quite so simple as it did on Google Maps. However, more by luck than judgement, we found it and eventually kicked off before 1100. I met their manager who is known as ‘Scarey Dave’. Zed was in goal and was commanding throughout. Danny got injured early on, and stayed off at half-time. Not a lot of Goalmouth action the whole game, although Dave Collis had a couple of chances in the 2nd half. They had a late flurry of chances but Zed kept them at bay. There was a rather deep furrow around the ½ way line, but  can’t imagine who was responsible for that. We also met a dodgy looking Geezer called ‘Julian’ who I had been in contact with for the last couple of weeks. A bubbly feller who we must thank for helping to organise BOTH games and refreshments etc… afterwards. Cheers Mate, not bad for a Gobshite ( Liverpool Supp).  Scarey had said ‘The Hussar pub’ was ½ a mile up the road. I was tempted to walk it, just as well I’m a lazy old git, as when we eventually got going it must have been all of 3-4 miles. Good pub, with Stella & Sky Sports, and food sorted by Julian. We spent a fun couple of hours watching Man Utd crush the Gooners fading dreams. I received a lovely present from Davey Boy of a Tee-shirt that detailed my bit of fun at Cheshunt v Witham. Thanks Dave and the woman with the magnificent Mammary Glands.
As we left, I decided that we should pop in to Margate and check out our venue for later. Just as well, as we scrapped the Brittania, and went for the Witherspoons pub ‘ The Mechanical Elephant’. We decided to take cabs down their and back, so got their at 1900ish. An entertaining evening , extended to 0100 from 2300 at some point. Daniel was again absent ½ the night, on the phone to that old woman again. Lots of opportunities to watch the pathetic attempts of Certain individuals chatting up the local talent, of which there was a lot. Also most of the boys went to the Kazooki, or summat like that, for a quiet drink. See the attached Video for a couple of minutes of their ‘Quiet Drink’.
Back at the Pub, a strangely diminutive young lady took an odd interest in me, I reckon she was looking for a father figure, and to be fair, I was quite willing to discipline her for being a very naughty girl. The attached videos are not too clear, but you get the general idea.
We left at 0100ish, got in our cab, but 30 seconds into the journey, Belch decided he wanted a bludy Kebab. We stopped at 50p a minute, until we got fed up of waiting about £6.80 later. Uday went to the shop to remonstrate with Belch, but came back empty handed, so Sod im, we left him and Fat Gav there. Back at the camp, it was realised that Belch has our bludy Van key !!! We spent another ½ hour waiting in the Losers van, who said that they were out of Stella. This turned out to be a Fib. Bastuds !!!
Off to bed about 0200, I was soon awaken by a furious scurrying noise, which appeared to be coming from the corridor. I wanted a No 1, but decided discretion rather than valour, and hid under the sheets. I ventured out at 0300ish, saw nowt and rushed off to the loo. I heard it again later, but I weren’t gonna look again. Up at 0830 for leaving at 0915, we looked out the window about 0900, and Marc went ballistic. His car was absolutely smothered in Seagull crap. Aagghh Bisto, now I see, my mysterious visitors had been loads of seagulls on my roof, where just as mysteriously the other ½ a loaf of bread had found a home. No-one owned up, seeing as Marc was going mad trying to clean his car, going on about £5k repair bills. Gavin (Not the Fat one) turned up as his Jujitsu had been cancelled, so a nice surprise for us and Margate. James S also turned up flagging us down as we left the camp. Welcome one and all.
We got to Margate FC on time to play a Margate Supporters XI, which I suspected would be a bit stronger than Julians other team. So it appeared as after about 10 minutes we were 2 goals down, past the invincible Zed, after a couple of defensive lapses. You know who you are !!  We rallied and had a couple of chances, notably a run down the left by James, into Marc, who thundered his shot straight at the keeper. Danny got hurt again by a hard tackle and came off after about 16 mins. (I’ve just seen his foot, a very healthy Purple colour). We held onto half time without conceding further, mainly thanks to Zed keeping ‘em out.  A quiet teamtalk, as usual, but we started to match them a bit more and mainly through Gav (NTFO) on the right, we were making inroads and introducing ourselves to their keeper. Then Gav (NTFO) was dumped on the wing. Fat Gav wandered from his Central Midfield area, and chipped a fine far post free kick which was headed in smartly by James. Brilliant stuff, Lads. 1-2 A few further ½ chances were spurned by both sides, but in the last 10 minutes both Marc and Gav (NTFO) shot when their partner was superbly placed to slot home the equaliser. Never mind, fulltime arrived and overall probably a fair result, especially as we’re on Tour and don’t really give a toss.
Off to the bar, NO Stella and only Gobshite Lager available. Posh Cider it is, then. Nice bit of grub for the boys, although I had a luvly burger. Super Nev walked by to prepare for the Legends game, so I bowed respectfully several times, he looked across with the sort of look saying ‘Whos that Nutter ?’. I was quashed and disappeared into my pint. Then some Blondies came in, and we all signed up for Free Golf the next morning. That was handy, but would we use it ? Davey C left immediately after the game, not sure why ! Zed owned up to being the mysterious Bird Man, Big surprise there then. Nice one Zed, who also said he may make a comeback this season. Great news for one and all. We stayed to watch the Gobshites stuff the Geordies, some noisy oiks started singing so we returned to camp.
An excellent curry house the ‘Regency Tandoori’ fed us all well, washed down with some luvly Cobra. Goodnight to Gav (NTFO) as he went home, and back to camp to finish off the Ethnics Stella and watch more Hitler and Green Stuff Vids. Don’t Ask !!  James destroyed their coffee table using it to raise himself from the seat. Unlucky Mate.  We woke up Monday morning to Uday screaming 'Wheres James Sear, He owes me money' . Apparently Uday wanted to charge him for the pleasure of our company for one day. Like a wee rottweiler aint he.  Struggled as usual for the 1000 out, but out by 1030. James, Mitch & Sid went to return the keys, and apparently the woman was completely horrified at the demise of the table. That costs £25 yer know. James sheepishly paid up.
Latest News:   I have received a letter from the camp, charging us £12 for breaking a green chair. I thought someone said they had swapped it with another caravan. Useless, but never mind its Sids card thats been hit.
As per usual Marc, Belch, Gobshite and now newboy Andy H bottled out of the Golf and went straight home. Losers !!!  Me and Zed stood by with hands behind us to make Marc think we hadn't eaten all the eggs !!  He did look rather concerned, as he is already £5K down, of course. We eventually found ‘Stonelees of Ramsgate’ not far from where we started after we went to Ramsgate first. A challenging Par-3 9 holer presented itself, where Zed was first to sample the water hazard followed by VJ. Flipper, making sure he didnt complete the hat trick, went completely the other direction and hit it sideways into the huts. His second effort came out a bit, hit a tree, and went back in again. Clearly disgusted with himself, and the tirade of Abuse from the crowd, OK just me then, he picked up his ball and took a TEN. He also took a TEN on the next hole as well, but did recover and posted a 69, Not bad Flipper. We all had lunch and lots of Stella in the 19th and left about 1400ish, I think.
Quick journey home, with me trying to hard to finish off the Stella, but there were two left which we gave to Flipper for his hard work in driving for most the weekend. Thanks also to Sid for the same. More quiz stuff from Mitch which kept us going for a couple of hours. I answered Marcus Bent to nearly every question and finally got one right, but Zed triumphed with several correct. After keeping a rough record, I failed with my attempt to beat 100 Stellas for the weekend, stalling in the Mid Seventies.  
Good tour overall , hoping the Tour Virgins Fat Gav and Andy enjoyed themselves. Fat Gav reckons hes going on a diet and reckons I will have to rename him. Fat Chance.
See yer in September Boys.


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